Wednesday, May 13, 2009

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Van

Normal punk bands buy giant white touring vans from shady garages in Abbotsford and write funny shit like "Free Candy" on the side. The Dreadnoughts? The Dreadnoughts buy a sleek, silver, soccer-mom Dodge Grand Caravan. Gas mileage! Air bags! Child-proof locks to keep Seamus in! Christ.

We bought it from an angry East Indian fellow who needs the cash quickly so that he can continue to sue his ex-wife.

"Fuck," he said as we test-drove his little beast. "Fucking bitch took good car. I left with fucking Grand Caravan to sell so I can sue her for good car. Fuck."

There was a slightly uncomfortable pause. "It nice van, though," he added, thoughtfully.

I assured him that any woman who would turn up her nose at such a sexy little minivan (which comes with a nifty little fold-down child-seat and an anti-lock braking system for extra safety!) could not possibly be worthy of his excellent company. I mean, honestly, what's the world coming to, anyway? I want to have sex with our van.

Anyway, I don't know how the drummer scraped the money together, but he did. He's Swiss, so the phrase "Nazi Gold" ran through my head a couple of times, but I decided to stay quiet and let the man fork out $8500. Then it was ours... oy, vey. Here is a picture of it:

Set phasers to 'Scrumpy'!
As we prepared to buy the van, I was reminded yesterday of how much I hate The Dread Pirate Druzil and Squid Vicious. Since we were going to spend, like, thousands of dollars of their money on a vehicle, I figured they might want to know the details. I spent nearly ten minutes telling them about payment plans, interest, mileage, fuel economy, spacing, seating and financing, during which time their eyes slowly glazed over.

"Well", I said. "What do you think?"

Neither of them said anything for quite some time.

"Well," said the Dread Pirate Druzil, "I think you're gay." Touché . I hate him, and I hate his stupid giant friend who keeps following us around:


The CD release/tour kickoff is in two days, and apparently we leave the next day. We have secured a laptop, a videocamera and video editing software, so if I were you, I'd stay tuned to this blog. If we manage to upload even 2% of the insane drunken bullshit that usually goes on in the van, you won't be disappointed. I believe this picture summarizes up my point quite nicely:


-Uncle Touchy


  1. There once was a man from Namnameter
    whose dick was 10 inches diameter
    but it wasn't the size
    that lit up the girls' eyes
    'twas the rhythm
    Iambic Pentameter

    Happy touring!

  2. When it comes to selling your gold for cash, you can either pop into your local shop or send it away in a freepost envelope.

    Sell gold for cash