Friday, May 22, 2009


An excellent, excellent show in Calgary, but SO MANY FAILS. How to recount them all?

First, we somehow forgot that we had to drive after the gig last night and The Stupid Swede had to sleep in the van. Just before he went out to the van, and I swear to god I am not making this up, two hot danish SISTERS invited him back to their place for “some beers”.

His response? “No, sorry, I'm going to go and sleep in the van.”

They declined his offer of a threesome in the van. Fucking Danes... such prudes. I mean, what red-blooded Canadian woman would say no to a threesome with her own sister and a man with a yeast infection on his chest in a van full of empty beer cans and rancid cheese? Fucking Danes.

Danish Threesome Fail.

Druzil was chatting up some lady for some time... she was responsive... bought him drinks, let him put his arm around her, etc. Then, at the end of the night, he asked if he could accompany her home, and she responded (again, I couldn't make this up if I tried): “No, I have to get up at seven in the morning because I'm moving to a new farm and we have to set the farm up.”

Farm Setup Fail.

We're in the prairies, so I suppose we'd better get used to farm-girl rejection. You just can't compete with women who are used to, um, horses. Well, maybe Squid can. Um.

Personally, I experienced a Sleeping On The Bathroom Floor Fail. I hope Squid dies.

There were also other epic fails which are actually too personal and painful to recount. Let's just say that 90 pound non-recovering alcoholics shouldn't drink eleven bottles of pilsner.

We are now driving through Saskatchewan and I haven't seen anything this flat since I nailed Celine Dion. I am now going to drink a bottle of Bell's whiskey and pass out in the back of this filthy, disease-ridden vehicle. I hope Squid dies. I hope we all die. Auuuuuugh.

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