Monday, May 18, 2009

Cider Bear

We sped away from the Mighty Town of Kamloops yesterday morning, and Seamus drearily gazed of his side window, looking wistfully into the distance, asking himself why he could never seem to find true happiness. Just as he was about to ask us to put Sarah McLaughlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstacy" on the stereo, something caught his eye: an old woman minding a garage sale outside of her house. This no doubt piqued his interest, but what made him scream at us to pull over and stop the van was the fleeting glimpse he'd caught of a brown-furred little bear sitting beside the old woman.

And so, we'd like to introduce you all to the newest member of The Dreadnoughts' Family: Cider Bear.

Ten minutes later, we were back in the van, gleefully providing Cider Bear with cans of the finest Blackthorn Cider.

"Cida Bear was getting mighty sick a dat ol' granny," he said. "One more story about embroidin' and I'da smacked a bitch."

We joyously poured more cider in/on him. He became rather drunk and started telling us about the time that he'd barfed on the neighbours' dog and watched as it had been blamed on a small child. Then he told us about the time he was in the navy and had been used to "bung up a hole in da septic tank". Then he told us about how a 12 year-old boy had used him to masturbate for the first time1.

There was a highly uncomfortable pause.

"I don't like Cider Bear," said Squidney. "Let's put him in a merch bin." We all agreed, and have since only let him out of his bin to sell our merchandise at shows. Even this may have to stop, as he spent most of last night at the bar trying to get some chick named Megan to, I quote, "show Cida Bear dem mighty brusums".

Bad Cider Bear! Bad!

Tonight we play Kelowna, and tomorrow our truly epic journey begins. 8 hours to Jasper, Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Regina, Winnipeg... you know the old saying: sometimes you want to go where absolutely fucking nobody knows your name.

1 Philosophical question: is humping a stuffed bear masturbation? We're stumped. Please leave a comment if you think you know the answer.


  1. mas⋅tur⋅ba⋅tion
      /ˌmæstərˈbeɪʃən/ [mas-ter-bey-shuhn]

    1. the stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, esp. to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.
    2. the stimulation, by manual **or other means** exclusive of coitus, of another's genitals, esp. to orgasm.

    I have come to the conclusion that using a bear to reach orgasm is indeed masturbation.

  2. un;ess you give the bear something in the form of genitals first.
    Also, as the anus is not a genital does that mean anal sex is masterbation?