Thursday, July 8, 2010

Luxembourg Fact Sheet

Few people know or care about Luxembourg. We here at The Dreadnoughts believe that this is a grave tragedy. We offer this fact sheet as a corrective, educational tool to help us all better understand this wonderful and fascinating nation.

Luxembourg is the second-largest country in Europe. Its borders span from the southern banks of the Be'chech river all the way up to northern Irkustk, and it is covered with majestic rivers, breathtaking mountain ranges and a nagging sense of meaninglessness and anxiety.

Luxembourg contains twelve million people and eighteen thousand Frenchmen. Its capital city is Grargh and its three principal provinces are Grbpl, Shrbplpppl and Bleen. Luxembourg is ruled by a rotating 23-member Grand Council and men's choir, selected every four year by national elections. According to the country's constitution, Almost all Luxembourgers are eligible to vote, except for convicted felons, traitors, men who own property, women who don't own property, people between the ages of 23 and 52, Aquarians, Saggitarians, and (quote) "ne'er-do-wells".

Its main exports are maize, yarn and motivational speakers. Due to European Union trade restrictions and policies, Luxembourg is forced to import most of its food directly from Yeurbonia and Poland. This has created a moderate malnutrition problem in much of the country, where rural Luxembourgers are forced to subsist on a diet of lima beans, Bok Choy and discarded Coffee Crisp wrappers.

Traditional Luxembourgian Dress

Luxembourgian history is dominated by the Great Belgian War, which began in 1221 and continues on to this day. The tiny and otherwise insignificant Atlantic nation of Belgium, enraged by 1219's Belgium Can Lick Our Balls Act has conducted terrorist guerilla warfare on Luxembourg for centuries, stealing property, burning villages and even forcing a small French quadrant of Luxembourg to join Belgium itself.

Luxembourg's national anthem was written by Gary Young in 1629, and it is called "Plant Man":

Luxembourg's future is a great unknown. The natural, hard-working and efficient mindset of the average Luxembourger is a great source of stability and economic growth, but unfortunately the increasing pressures of globalization, external threats to national security and an as-yet-unexplained increase in Invisible Scary Skeleton attacks have disrupted the nation's natural harmony and peacefulness. In spite of these challenges, Luxembourg soldiers on, a shining beacon of reason and progress in the European polity.

This message brought to you by The Dreadnoughts and The Luxembourg Tourism Board.


  1. What a totally innane load of misinformation. If you'd have payed attention in Social Studies 9 you MIGHT have recalled that Luxembourg borders Yeurbonia to the North!

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